Wakeaholics Anonymous

3:00 AM?!? How did I get here? It was only 9:30 a minute ago. Could it possibly be those back to back three hour movies? Nah. Couldn't be those.

Hi, I'm Adarsh and I'm a Wakeaholic.

I've been struggling with Wakeaholism for about four years now. Until yesterday, I was three weeks sober, I would sleep at 11 and wake up at 7. But last night, I couldn't resist scrolling through Reddit for half an hour before sleeping, and then I blacked out. I vaguely remember watching two movies back to back, and suddenly it was 3:00 AM. I woke up at 11:00 today with the worst hangover. My head hurts, my eyes are puffy, the sun is too bright and I just want to sleep again. But I know that if I do, tonight will be no different to last night and before long, 9:00 PM will be my mid-day.

I don't know why I stay awake like this. Maybe I'm just looking for an escape from the world, a time when the whole world is asleep and it's nothing but myself. Sleep deprivation numbs my senses, makes me feel warm and fuzzy like nothing matters and I can really be myself. Or maybe I'm just chasing that high that comes from the surging adrenaline that keeps my eyes open long into the night. Maybe I'm just doing it because it's cool, and all my friends do it, and I have to do it if I want to keep talking to them, because they're too busy during the day.

Whatever it is, I'm addicted to staying awake. It's an acquired taste, I didn't like it at first, my head felt heavy, my eyes were sore, and I could barely make it till 12:30, but all my friends assured me it would get better, and it did. I kept doing it until one day, I was doing it even when there was no reason to. I think I realized I had a problem when one day I looked out the window and the sun was rising. I'd stayed awake the whole night.

I don't like who I am when I'm sleep deprived. I get anxious easily, I'm very irritable and I become impulsive. I've made some bad decisions when I've been sleep deprived. But how do I give this up? Some of my best memories are also from late nights. No good story ever started with "I went to bed at 10:00 PM". I know that science says sleep deprivation is bad for you. Reduced life expectancy, decreased motor function, risk of cancer, the usual stuff.

But I feel fine... Well, except for not caring about anything anymore, or feeling very restless when I can't stay awake, and maybe not being able to focus on work during the day.

You know what, maybe I don't feel fine.

I don't want to be that person again. I won't be that person again. I will change.

I'm a Wakeaholic. And I'm 1 day sober.


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